Women, let me ask you this, ever found yourself in this common scenario?
You are on public transport or lets just say you are at a bus stop, waiting for the next bus. You have your headphones in.
Then out of nowhere you get approached by a man. You feel your body tense up because you know what's coming. You can sense him sizing you up.
He then approaches you and leers for a few seconds before the cliche lines start coming out:
'Excuse me......'
You ignore him, hoping that he will assume you cannot hear him as your headphones are in.
Then he taps you on the shoulder.
You reluctantly remove your headphones and turn to face him.
'I just wanted to let you know....
that you're really pretty'
You give a timid giggle. No that's not the giggle of happiness. It's a giggle of awkwardness. He has actually just made you really uncomfortable. The reason he has made you feel that way is twofold. Firstly, you are in a public space. You feel confronted and don't want to make a spectacle of yourself by being too aggressive towards him.
The other reason is that, you do not know and did not WANT to know this man. You were actually happily minding your own business before you got approached.
He has assumed that because you are female and alone means you are fair game. That you MUST be looking for love. Not that you are catching a bus to you know..... get anywhere.
Not knowing what to say, and because you are a 'nice girl', you say:
'Thanks'
Hoping that is the end of it. Unfortunately, by even engaging with him and being polite. This has spurred him on even more.
'Have you got a boyfriend?'
Now this is the opportunity to say 'yes' which is technically a lie. You are single but you're not interested in him and don't want to encourage anything. This is also a polite way to let him down gently, because you know....you don't want to upset his fragile ego or his feelings. After all, you are a nice girl.
'Yes I do.'
'Well, he's a lucky man'
He then puts his hand out and asks for your hand. In a 'callous' and 'over the top' chivalry way.
You reluctantly offer it because you are a nice girl.
He forcefully kisses it as he says goodbye.
This is completely over the top for someone that you are not familiar with. It is a prime example of men not respecting women's space in public places.
You feel violated and the whole exchange made you cringe. Of course not all men do this. However some don't respect women in public spaces. It is just a common scenario that women find themselves in at some stage in their life.
I've been in that uncomfortable setting more than a handful of times in my life. Most often on public transport or when I'm out at night.
I was always polite because I was a nice girl.
So moving on....
Let's take another scenario.
You are at work, you need to get something done. There is someone who needs to give you something in order for you to complete your job. That something may be a key to a cabinet. Or a folder. Or some document.
You email them to see if can provide that something. The email is not too forceful, it is very polite. In fact it is packed with smiley faces. An over compensated amount of 'thank yous.' After all, you are a nice girl.
You do not get a response.
You bump into that person and make small talk because you are a nice girl. You don't want them to think you are some hungry career woman who just uses people to get what you want. You then gently remind them of the email you sent.
'Oh yes..I'll do that soon.' They say to you.
2 days later. You still don't have that something.
This is not a task that is outside their job. Eventually you get what was needed. It just took a substantial amount of time.
The common let down in both these scenarios is that as women, we feel the need to overly nice. Even when we are uncomfortable. Even when it's to our detriment.
The problem is that women and men have been given ' gender stereotypes' that they need to fit into. For men, their suicide rate is higher. They are taught to not talk about their problems. To hide them. It is not seen as masculine to ask for help. They are taught to be tough.
Women on the other hand have many stereotypes placed on them. One of the stereotypes that always stood out to me was to be a 'nice girl.' Meaning to be polite no matter what's happening to you. No matter how much that guy is creeping you out. To never offer your opinion. Or be controversial. To always smile. I believe this (one of several) stereotypes is detrimental to women in and out of work.
As much as I tried to be a 'nice girl' at some point I realised that this wasn't working for me. I'd be the first to admit. I am not that nice.
I'm not mean. I'm just not the kind of 'nice' that society wants me to be. I have opinions. I want things to get done.
I now make it known if someone is creeping me out or if I'm approached by a male who is giving me unwanted attention. I'm not rude. I'm assertive. That's the difference. The trouble is that female 'assertiveness' is always interpreted as being 'b*tchy'. Guess what? Not our problem.
If the person creeping me out is offended by my assertiveness. It is not my problem. It's their own insecurities.
If I don't know you, I am not responsible for your ego (or lack of ego). Sort that out in your own time.
I no longer lie. If I am single I will tell them that, but assertively admit that I am not interested. That I wasn't looking for love at a bus stop. I actually just wanted to get somewhere. That my life isn't validated by whether or not I have a boyfriend. Or by a male who feels the need to objectify me and offer their 'opinion' on my looks. Even when they didn't get asked by me.
Being a nice girl didn't work. Being assertive does.
I once took a job at a male dominated company. To be honest, it was a boys club. There were not many women in the leadership roles. This is something that may change with time, but at the time I worked there, the common worker was 'male, 50s grey hair'.
I sat in several meetings with these men. I was often the only female in the room. I watched and observed how they interacted with each other.
When there was an issue, it was raised and dealt with at the time. They didn't hold back.
Criticism was a part of their productivity. New ideas occasionally got shot down. From what I was observing, men were able to 'be themselves' at work. They didn't sugarcoat anything.
All the men had different personalities and had disagreements. No one raised an eyebrow. When one disagreed with another man or didn't like him no one ever labelled it 'jealousy' or anything. It is seen as the norm. Just another day in the office.
By contrast, when one woman criticises another woman it automatically gets labelled as 'jealousy'. It could be that, but the problem with that assumption is that it is based on gender stereotypes that have been placed on women since the dawn of time. Thanks to fairytales. Some of women's stereotypes are either the 'old jealous' witch who is losing her looks. Or the young 'nice girl' innocent women. Some women genuinely do not get along with other women in the same way that not all men get along with other men. That reason could be a personality clash or difference of opinion. Jealousy may have nothing to do with it. Disagreements should be embraced and seen as the norm. Not hidden by a 'nice girl' persona.
The female stereotypes that have been set for women at work is to always smile and 'be nice'. If you want someone to do something for you, sugarcoat it to the brim. Smile and add smiley faces in emails. Even when it's simply part of your job to ask for something.
When a man asks another man to do something. There are no frills. It doesn't get sugar coated. You know what? it works to their benefit. When you become assertive, things are more likely to get done.
Obviously women don't have to be exactly like men at work. If women removed those barriers of having to be a 'nice girl' all the time. We may get further in our careers.
That is not to say that women should have to be aggressive or carbon copies of men if that is not who they are. All it means is that, if you are like me and have fallen into the trap of being a 'nice girl' and it hasn't worked in your favour. You are free to be assertive and to bring your true self to work and in public spaces.
After I stopped being a 'nice girl', I was promoted. It worked for me. I could bring my true self to work. Not a stereotype of who I thought I should be.
The street harassers were also kept at bay. Some of them even thanked me for being candid with them. Others still had ego problems...to say the least. Results may vary.
xx
You are on public transport or lets just say you are at a bus stop, waiting for the next bus. You have your headphones in.
Then out of nowhere you get approached by a man. You feel your body tense up because you know what's coming. You can sense him sizing you up.
He then approaches you and leers for a few seconds before the cliche lines start coming out:
'Excuse me......'
You ignore him, hoping that he will assume you cannot hear him as your headphones are in.
Then he taps you on the shoulder.
You reluctantly remove your headphones and turn to face him.
'I just wanted to let you know....
that you're really pretty'
You give a timid giggle. No that's not the giggle of happiness. It's a giggle of awkwardness. He has actually just made you really uncomfortable. The reason he has made you feel that way is twofold. Firstly, you are in a public space. You feel confronted and don't want to make a spectacle of yourself by being too aggressive towards him.
The other reason is that, you do not know and did not WANT to know this man. You were actually happily minding your own business before you got approached.
He has assumed that because you are female and alone means you are fair game. That you MUST be looking for love. Not that you are catching a bus to you know..... get anywhere.
Not knowing what to say, and because you are a 'nice girl', you say:
'Thanks'
Hoping that is the end of it. Unfortunately, by even engaging with him and being polite. This has spurred him on even more.
'Have you got a boyfriend?'
Now this is the opportunity to say 'yes' which is technically a lie. You are single but you're not interested in him and don't want to encourage anything. This is also a polite way to let him down gently, because you know....you don't want to upset his fragile ego or his feelings. After all, you are a nice girl.
'Yes I do.'
'Well, he's a lucky man'
He then puts his hand out and asks for your hand. In a 'callous' and 'over the top' chivalry way.
You reluctantly offer it because you are a nice girl.
He forcefully kisses it as he says goodbye.
This is completely over the top for someone that you are not familiar with. It is a prime example of men not respecting women's space in public places.
You feel violated and the whole exchange made you cringe. Of course not all men do this. However some don't respect women in public spaces. It is just a common scenario that women find themselves in at some stage in their life.
I've been in that uncomfortable setting more than a handful of times in my life. Most often on public transport or when I'm out at night.
I was always polite because I was a nice girl.
So moving on....
Let's take another scenario.
You are at work, you need to get something done. There is someone who needs to give you something in order for you to complete your job. That something may be a key to a cabinet. Or a folder. Or some document.
You email them to see if can provide that something. The email is not too forceful, it is very polite. In fact it is packed with smiley faces. An over compensated amount of 'thank yous.' After all, you are a nice girl.
You do not get a response.
You bump into that person and make small talk because you are a nice girl. You don't want them to think you are some hungry career woman who just uses people to get what you want. You then gently remind them of the email you sent.
'Oh yes..I'll do that soon.' They say to you.
2 days later. You still don't have that something.
This is not a task that is outside their job. Eventually you get what was needed. It just took a substantial amount of time.
The common let down in both these scenarios is that as women, we feel the need to overly nice. Even when we are uncomfortable. Even when it's to our detriment.
The problem is that women and men have been given ' gender stereotypes' that they need to fit into. For men, their suicide rate is higher. They are taught to not talk about their problems. To hide them. It is not seen as masculine to ask for help. They are taught to be tough.
Women on the other hand have many stereotypes placed on them. One of the stereotypes that always stood out to me was to be a 'nice girl.' Meaning to be polite no matter what's happening to you. No matter how much that guy is creeping you out. To never offer your opinion. Or be controversial. To always smile. I believe this (one of several) stereotypes is detrimental to women in and out of work.
As much as I tried to be a 'nice girl' at some point I realised that this wasn't working for me. I'd be the first to admit. I am not that nice.
I'm not mean. I'm just not the kind of 'nice' that society wants me to be. I have opinions. I want things to get done.
I now make it known if someone is creeping me out or if I'm approached by a male who is giving me unwanted attention. I'm not rude. I'm assertive. That's the difference. The trouble is that female 'assertiveness' is always interpreted as being 'b*tchy'. Guess what? Not our problem.
If the person creeping me out is offended by my assertiveness. It is not my problem. It's their own insecurities.
If I don't know you, I am not responsible for your ego (or lack of ego). Sort that out in your own time.
I no longer lie. If I am single I will tell them that, but assertively admit that I am not interested. That I wasn't looking for love at a bus stop. I actually just wanted to get somewhere. That my life isn't validated by whether or not I have a boyfriend. Or by a male who feels the need to objectify me and offer their 'opinion' on my looks. Even when they didn't get asked by me.
Being a nice girl didn't work. Being assertive does.
I once took a job at a male dominated company. To be honest, it was a boys club. There were not many women in the leadership roles. This is something that may change with time, but at the time I worked there, the common worker was 'male, 50s grey hair'.
I sat in several meetings with these men. I was often the only female in the room. I watched and observed how they interacted with each other.
When there was an issue, it was raised and dealt with at the time. They didn't hold back.
Criticism was a part of their productivity. New ideas occasionally got shot down. From what I was observing, men were able to 'be themselves' at work. They didn't sugarcoat anything.
All the men had different personalities and had disagreements. No one raised an eyebrow. When one disagreed with another man or didn't like him no one ever labelled it 'jealousy' or anything. It is seen as the norm. Just another day in the office.
By contrast, when one woman criticises another woman it automatically gets labelled as 'jealousy'. It could be that, but the problem with that assumption is that it is based on gender stereotypes that have been placed on women since the dawn of time. Thanks to fairytales. Some of women's stereotypes are either the 'old jealous' witch who is losing her looks. Or the young 'nice girl' innocent women. Some women genuinely do not get along with other women in the same way that not all men get along with other men. That reason could be a personality clash or difference of opinion. Jealousy may have nothing to do with it. Disagreements should be embraced and seen as the norm. Not hidden by a 'nice girl' persona.
The female stereotypes that have been set for women at work is to always smile and 'be nice'. If you want someone to do something for you, sugarcoat it to the brim. Smile and add smiley faces in emails. Even when it's simply part of your job to ask for something.
When a man asks another man to do something. There are no frills. It doesn't get sugar coated. You know what? it works to their benefit. When you become assertive, things are more likely to get done.
Obviously women don't have to be exactly like men at work. If women removed those barriers of having to be a 'nice girl' all the time. We may get further in our careers.
That is not to say that women should have to be aggressive or carbon copies of men if that is not who they are. All it means is that, if you are like me and have fallen into the trap of being a 'nice girl' and it hasn't worked in your favour. You are free to be assertive and to bring your true self to work and in public spaces.
After I stopped being a 'nice girl', I was promoted. It worked for me. I could bring my true self to work. Not a stereotype of who I thought I should be.
The street harassers were also kept at bay. Some of them even thanked me for being candid with them. Others still had ego problems...to say the least. Results may vary.
xx
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