Opinion: Why is marriage still seen as an accomplishment?

It is very important to be pretty.

Never mind about your personality, or your grades, if you're pretty, your life is sorted.

Everyone will like you.

The above were the kinds of messages that I received as a young girl.

Of course, I learnt pretty quickly that you needed to be more than looks to have a successful relationship with someone. Or successful anything really. Looks aren't going to get you through university, they aren't going to guarantee you employment or happiness.

No matter how many sparkly tank tops with crude messages such as 'Caution: contents extremely hot' I wore circa 2004 I never quite hit the mark. I was young for my grade and definitely a late bloomer. I had acne, braces and didn't attract much attention anyway. I tried to be 'hot'. I failed.

While it is embarrasing to look back at the things you used to wear, the majority of the clothes I wore as a teenager were due to the messages that I received. The kind of messages that are harmful to young girls. 'Be pretty, be hot and nothing more'.

I don't recall having many female role models in my life at that particular time. Britney Spears didn't count.

The assumptions that were put on me as a young girl was that eventually I would get married, have 1.9 kids and my life would be complete. This assumption is not really that different to the 1950s. Except it was over 50 years later.

I eventually got married in 2016. It was both an exciting and stressful time. To plan a wedding you need to be prepared to  part with a lot of $$. There is lots of planning involved and then the day is over very quickly. That has been my experience with it. A lot of build up and then its just a blur of a day. My husband and I were actually relieved when it was over.

As a girl, you are taught that your wedding day is going to be the 'happiest day of your life' thanks to romantic comedies and Disney movies. The messages that women have received for most of their young life is that they will 'live happily ever after' after finding their prince/man of their dreams. That careers are just a stepping stone to finding the man of their dreams. That their life is complete once they have found 'the one'.

I caught up with some friends who I hadn't seen in a long time and one of the first things they say to me without fail (or any harm intended) is 'CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE MARRIED WOW THAT'S AMAZING'!!

It was used as an introduction to other people as well. "This is Jacinta, she's MARRIED now."

Their reaction is like I've climbed Mount Everest. I know they are happy for me. I'd be lying if I said that part of me is a little bit disappointed. Not because I don't like being married but because marriage actually wasn't my biggest achievement. Yet it is always treated as such.

Going from being a high school drop out to graduating from two degrees and securing a competitive job was way more rewarding for me. Yet its almost like all that didn't matter because  I'm married. My life is now complete. 

Marriage is the card that seems to trump all of women's achievements.

Of course my husband means the world to me, but marriage is always seen as a massive accomplishment. I feel that it is such a slap in the face to women who don't get married. I was lucky enough to find someone that I wanted to be with, but is that really an accomplishment or did I just get lucky?

I don't rate myself more highly because I am married. My self worth didn't go up due to marriage and I don't believe that women who aren't married should feel any less worthy because they didn't follow the expectation. Marriage doesn't validate women. That's an outdated notion that we still cling to today.

Women have so much to be proud of. We are topping high school results, 2017 was filled with sexual harassment victims coming forward in a loud roar. #metoo. Women are dominating universities, but we still have a long way to go. The gender pay gap isn't going away. Women are still underrepresented in positions of power.

Don't get me wrong, for women who are happily married, that is something to celebrate in itself with your partner and for your own well being.

All I ask is that in 2018 we stop pretending that marriage is a massive accomplishment that trumps everything else women do?


x